Archive for October, 2014

Where Are You Movie Executions? Near…We Swear!

Posted: October 28, 2014 in News
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So, we’ve been harping about a new feature for a while now: Movie Executions–a video feature where we destroy a copy of a terrible movie that deserves to be punished. However, it has taken a long, long time to realize this feature, as making a video is perhaps a little harder than we anticipated. But, we are revealing to you now the identity of our first condemned: Nail Gun Massacre–a movie truly deserving of our vigilante fury.

Yes, a copy Nail Gun Massacre will be destroyed before your very eyes with (naturally) a nail gun! So look for that soon and while you’re waiting, check out our review of Nail Gun Massacre in the Review Morgue section.

Movie Review: Nail Gun Massacre

Posted: October 28, 2014 in Reviews
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Reviewed by: Pontifex Aureus

Originally titled “The Texas Nail Gun Massacre”, Terry Lofton’s seminal cheese-fest, Nail Gun Massacre, featured the tagline “Cheaper than a Chainsaw” in a sly (no wait—ham-fisted) homage to the 1974 classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If by “Cheaper than a Chainsaw” they meant the entire cost of production, then yeah. Firmly within so-bad-it’s-good territory, Nail Gun Massacre is actually quite watchable; in fact, if Nail Gun was in on its own joke, this bad horror movie could actually pass for a good comedy. But despite Nail Gun Massacre’s numerous crimes against cinema (bad acting, bad FX, total lack of atmosphere), perhaps its greatest failure is in its fundamental inability to tell a coherent story. It really says something about a movie when being formulaic would be an improvement.

In the town of Seagoville, Texas, a crew of construction workers gang-rape a young woman and soon thereafter, local construction workers are being murdered by a crazed killer with a nailgun. Wondering who the killer is yet? Have you figured it out? Anyway, a local sheriff and doctor begin investigating the series of nail-related murders and bumble around without ever meeting the killer until the lame final confrontation.

Nail Gun Killer Doctor and Sheriff

If that synopsis is vague and unsatisfying, well, so is the movie—a symptom of the lobotomy-style storytelling. This is an even more fatal flaw than simple bad writing; writing can be bad and still be coherent, but if the storytelling itself is bad, if it has no logical progression, no structure, no clear sense of direction or purpose, then you’re left with pointless nonsense.

For example, experienced horror-viewers will know that in slasher flicks, you have your cast of kill fodder; usually a group of teenaged friends introduced at the beginning of the movie. Not so in Nail Gun Massacre; instead we are introduced to the cast of characters in sporadic bursts, two or three at a time, throughout the movie, and most of these characters do not meet, interact, or have scarcely any relation to each other at all. The plot structure of this movie is like a blob of ice cream melting in the sun—messy and all over the place.

Nail Hand Nailed Prayer

In addition to that, Nail Gun Massacre also features all the usual problems that bad movies have. Bad acting? How about a guy that falls over dead onto a BBQ grill, starts tipping over, pushes himself back up, and then looks at the camera? Bad FX? How about wobbly nails and a non-firing nail gun? Bad writing? Here’s a direct quote: “Do you remember when you could sit outside and not worry about the mosquitoes and the killers?” Even the soundtrack is bad; it is literally someone yelling WAAAHH and MUAHAHA into a synthesizer so persistently that you’ll find yourself daydreaming about what death is like.

Roadside Nailer Nail Face

And the ending? Jeeesus…there’s simply not enough room to go into that in a single review, so I’ve added an addendum at the end; look there for a more in-depth discussion of one of the stupidest endings in all of horrordom. Still, despite repeatedly spitting in the face of all that is good and decent in film, Nail Gun Massacre is a fun movie to watch, if only to laugh at how much of a train-wreck it is. But I can’t recommend this movie for the same reason I can’t recommend huffing spray paint—it’s bad for you and it’ll make you stupid; but, meh…it’s kinda fun.

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Addendum:

Let’s get this spoiler out of the way right now: the killer is Linda, the girl that gets raped at the beginning. Oh my God! Bet you didn’t see that coming! Especially since the killer’s fairly snug jumpsuit reveals to us early-on that the killer is obviously a woman. Although, there is actually some controversy about the killer’s identity, and understandably so, because the storytelling is so horrendously poor and the movie is so war-crime-ingly directed that you may very well not notice who the killer is.

Many people, after having seen Nail Gun Massacre, believe that the character Bubba is the killer because early in the movie, he very unsubtly states that he’ll be seeing the victims “…sooner than [they] think.” Plus, at the end of the movie, the killer dies, is unmasked, and is revealed to be Bubba. Okay…that’s a strong case for the “Bubba is the killer” theory, but hear me out.

Number one: since the whole movie takes place in broad daylight, we can very clearly see that the killer is female, judging by the curvaceous hips and the fact that the killer is way shorter than Bubba. Number two: At one point the killer states: “You guys played with me; now it’s my turn to play with you” and “…nobody came when I screamed”. Number 3: After Bubba’s death, when the doctor declares that it’s all over, the sheriff utters the unbelievably corny line: “Is it? Is it over?” Number four: as the doctor and Linda walk off into the sunset, Linda’s right arm falls to her side, revealing that she is holding the killer’s motorcycle helmet, and we hear a dramatic DUUUNN from the soundtrack as this happens.

Okay, so those are some good reasons for thinking that Linda was the killer, but if that’s the case, then WHY DOES BUBBA SAY HE’LL SEE THOSE VICTIMS SOONER THAN THEY THINK?! Why would Bubba EVER see the victims AT ALL if Linda was the one doing the killing? Was Bubba also killing? If so, nothing happens in the movie that would suggest this other than him wearing the costume at the end—but then that could be explained by saying that Bubba was merely taking the rap for his sister. My guess is that the character Bubba was a clumsy attempt at inserting a red herring into the storyline, but it is done so poorly that it defies all sense and logic. Secondly, we need more than a dramatic DUUUNN to highlight the fact that the killer is Linda; what should be a cool Basic-Instinct-style surprise ending is instead so lazy and ambiguous that many people don’t even notice it. Or maybe I’m just imagining things and Bubba really was the killer; in any case, the ending should not be this difficult to figure out!

So there you have it: one of the most colossally incompetent and nonsensical endings to a horror movie ever. Whether you believe that Bubba was the killer or Linda was, the ending still leaves you with logical loose-ends so flagrant that you’ll rage against the audacity of the mind that created Nail Gun Massacre.

Splatterjunkie Fan Art…Check it Out!

Posted: October 27, 2014 in News
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We got some really cool splatterjunkie art recently from Jimmy Dellamorte, check it out!

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Jimmy does some work as a graphic artist, so if you’re interested in getting some artwork done, drop him a line at doyouhoodoovoodoo@gmail.com

The First October 4th Celebration!

Posted: October 27, 2014 in News
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As some of you may know, we here at splatterjunkie.com like to celebrate a little holiday called October 4th: Horror Independence Day—a day honoring independent horror filmmaking. Since we invented the holiday, we’re pretty much the only ones who celebrate it, so in the interest of spreading awareness, here’s a peek at what went down on the first-ever October 4th celebration.

First of all, there are four October 4th traditions: 1.) watching an indie horror movie, 2.) contributing a little cash to an independent filmmaker, 3.) the baking of a Shamble Pie, and 4.) the splatterworks display. We began the evening with an adventurous foray into baking as we created the first-ever Shamble Pie, which is basically any damn thing you want stuffed into a Filo crust.

To slightly modify Richard Nixon’s famous line: I am not a cook. I have never been a cook. I have no aspirations of being a cook in the future. The Shamble Pie emerged from the oven looking a bit like a crying slug, if you can imagine that. Biting into the thing, I was immediately relieved that it wasn’t as foul-tasting as its appearance would suggest. However, after finishing my slice, I realized that perhaps I had gone overboard with the cheese and suddenly felt the deadly onset of cheese overdose. I enjoy cheese, but my god, the flavor of it was so ferocious that it numbed my face, left me nauseous, and utterly ruined Gruyere for me, possibly forever. And so, I came to the conclusion that perhaps the baking of Shamble Pie is not the best of traditions after all, as I certainly don’t want people to associate violent disgust with October 4th.

Fortunately, no one else was foolhardy enough to try eating the crying slug and so the other guests were spared my fate. Fortifying myself with strong drink, I rejoined the others in the living room where we were preparing to engage in the traditional watching of an indie horror movie. While we were at the Alamo City Comic Con (coverage on that soon) we were able to get ahold of a movie called Sanitarium, featuring direction from San Antonio local, Bryan Ortiz. Since we had purchased the movie directly from their booth, we considered that as our financial contribution to independent filmmaking, thereby fulfilling the donation tradition. I would tell you more about the movie, buy you’ll just have to wait for our review to come out 😉

After watching the movie and having ordered more palatable food, we went outside to enjoy the splatterworks spectacular. For those of you that don’t know, a splatterwork is simply a firework with a blood-pack wrapped around it; it’s our own bloody take on fireworks. I could tell you about our splatterworks display, but why not just watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnGCVkXdopU

And so, the first October 4th celebration came to pass, a small and humble affair, but one that we hope will be carried on in the years to come, by ourselves and perhaps by others. We love October 4th because we love indie horror, because it adds a little bit of awesome to the beginning of the month, and most of all because it gives people a reason to come together and bask in the glory of the macabre one more time per year. So if you love indie horror or just can’t wait for Halloween and want to start the party early, then please, join us in celebration next year when October 4th comes creeping by again.

Happy Fourth of October!

Posted: October 14, 2014 in News
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The very first October Fourth celebration has come and gone and we here at splatterjunkie.com celebrated in grand style! We will soon be posting an article on our little celebration, in the hopes that it will inspire others to join us next October 4th in the horror festivities. For now though, we have a  new video in our Video Dungeon of the splatterworks spectacular that we put on during our party! Enjoy!

Event Coverage: San Antonio Monster-Con 3

Posted: October 9, 2014 in Events
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Event Coverage: San Antonio Monster-Con 3

by: Pontifex Aureus

The Wonderland of the America’s Mall (formerly Crossroads Mall) is a funny place. Despite it’s new, loud-orange paint-job, the unmistakable vibe of the 80’s still haunts the place; you can see it in the odd bits of neon pink and turquoise that still remain here and there. It must have been a real beauty in its time, but like many older malls, Wonderland had had the symptoms of Dying Mall Syndrome for many years. The place was a ghost town—no people, empty shops; its decay was a sad thing for those who still remembered its glory days. The next step would have been to quietly go out of business, but astonishingly, that never happened. Somehow or other, the mall lingered on, refusing to die, and eventually a new kind of life seeped back into the place.

Rather than returning as a regular mall, Wonderland came back different; it has become like the public access version of a mall where everyday-people can go in there and open up shop. This has given rise to some truly unique and quirky stores that you’d never see in your average mall. It is also home to the Santikos Bijou, San Antonio’s only full-time art-house movie theater. You’ll find a different kind of crowd at Wonderland; you’ll find seekers of the odd and the hard-to-find. So it’s no wonder that out of this new atmosphere came the San Antonio Monster-Con.

The Monster-Con is a natural continuation of Wonderland’s spirit of indie oddity. Unlike most conventions, the Monster-Con is absolutely free to attend; there’s no bracelets, no passes, just show up and enjoy two days of horrific entertainment and shopping. It is very low key so you won’t find any huge prize-giveaways and you’re not likely to see Robert Englund there anytime soon, but that’s what I really love about it. It has a certain DIY rawness to it, like a horror-style flea market, that makes me feel truly close to the local horror scene. There’s no excessive gloss and flash standing between you and the people there.

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Monster-Con, now in its third year, is still a relatively new institution, but it has grown by leaps and bounds. There were easily twice as many vendors there this time as compared to the first Monster-Con and the variety of merchandise was wonderful. You could find collectible toys, books, comics, and original artwork. Among my favorites was a delightful Victorian hat shop called Caveat Emptor that made some really excellent hats, with the ladies hats being particularly stylish and elaborate.

And in addition to the visiting vendors, there’s also the aforementioned quirky shops native to the Wonderland Mall. For example, those of you who are really into dressing up for Halloween might consider heading over to Creeping Beauty, Inc. Creeping Beauty is a makeup and hair salon with a horror twist; in addition to the more traditional salon services they offer, the ladies there can also deliver top-quality horror makeup. They have done work for movies and professional photo shoots as well, so if you’re a filmmaker or a photographer, go check them out.

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Wonderland is also home to a true underground San Antonio legend: Creepy Classics. I initially discovered Creepy Classics some years ago at their old location on San Pedro avenue—a small, creepy shack of a building containing golden VHS treasures. Since then, they’ve gotten considerably bigger. In addition to movies, they also sell a variety of horror-themed memorabilia and collectibles. They regularly tour horror conventions and are, in fact, one of the major sponsors of Monster-Con itself.

There’s lots more to do at Monster-Con besides shopping of course. Like any good convention, Monster-Con has its share of panel presentations and celebrity guests. Among the guests this year was Billy Blair, who has been in movies such as Sin City: A Dame to Kill For and Machete. Billy hosted a panel of his own where he discussed his recent work on the upcoming film Blood Sombrero. Extreme Horror author Tim Miller, whom we mentioned in our Horrific Film Fest article, was there as well and to give a presentation on writing horror fiction—invaluable information for those looking to get into horror writing themselves. Other panels touched upon topics as varied as ghost hunting, prop-making, and cyberpunk culture.

Monster-Con was also host to the 5 Minutes of Fear mini film festival, which I really got a kick out of. Held in its own viewing room, the mini film festival featured horror movies limited to a 5 minute running time, so you get an intense, rapid-fire horror experience within a very small amount of time. The films ran continuously back-to-back so you could pop in and out whenever you liked, which was good because there were lots of other things to see and do. For example, there was the zombie pin-up girl costume contest, where local ladies got the chance to get zombied-out and then gussied-up in their best retro pin-up attire. Monster-Con visitors were also treated to a musical performance by the young men of San Antonio’s School of Rock.

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All in all, the Monster-Con is a great destination for San Antonio-area horror-lovers. The only thing I can say against it is that there is perhaps just a little too much of a sci-fi element for what is primarily a horror convention. Admittedly, the sci-fi and horror genres have always been known to be frequent bedfellows, but in those cases, I think of the movie Alien or John Carpenter’s The Thing. I certainly do not think of Star Wars. I felt that the frequent lightsaber battle displays that occurred on-stage, though enjoyable, somewhat detracted from the horror vibe of the con. But don’t let that dissuade you from going, the Monster-Con is still a great example of underground, independent horror togetherness and you owe it yourself, San Antonio, to go out there next September and feel the horror love.