Archive for July, 2014

Thought-Bomb #1: What is a Horror Movie? 

by: Pontifex Aureus

I remember, back in VHS times, cruising through the horror sections of local video stores in search of something tasty. Every now and then I’d see the movie Alien there, amongst all the horror movies and it would give me pause; Alien isn’t a horror movie…it’s in space, in the future, there’s an alien—all this screamed sci-fi to me. And indeed, in most video stores, Alien was in fact stocked in the sci-fi section.

I didn’t think much about it then, but this conundrum popped up again recently as I was trying to categorize my personal movie collection. I kept asking myself, “Is this a horror movie?” Is Jaws a horror movie? Is Eraserhead a horror movie? But I couldn’t really answer these questions without first asking myself “What IS a horror movie?” After thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that a horror movie is a movie whose means of entertainment is primarily based on fear and/or revulsion.

Before I explain how I came to this conclusion, it is important to specify what exactly I mean by “entertainment”. The word “entertainment” is often used as a synonym for “enjoyment”, but that isn’t quite accurate, since enjoyment necessarily entails pleasure and entertainment is not always pleasurable. For example, think of a really sad, but good, movie that you’ve seen; you probably didn’t walk out of that theater smiling, in fact, you probably felt pretty bad. You could hardly say that such a movie is pleasurable, yet it is undeniably entertaining. So basically, when I say entertainment, I simply mean “that which entertains”, meaning something that engages your attention over a certain amount of time. By this meaning, entertainment need not necessarily be pleasant as long as it engages your attention enough such that you are occupied for a set amount of time. If I’ve strayed off topic a little too long here, it’s only because it is important for me to establish just how necessary entertainment is to movies. Above all, a movie entertains.

So, I’ve said that a horror movie is a movie whose means of entertainment is primarily based on fear and/or revulsion. I reached this conclusion by asking myself, “What element, if removed from a horror movie, would make it not be a horror movie anymore?” In other words, what is the most elementary characteristic of a horror movie? I think we can assume without risk of controversy that fear is an important element, so we’ll take that as our starting point.

Here I must say this: fear and suspense are not the same; this is why a thriller is not a horror movie. To be in suspense is to be in a state of tension where you want to know what happens next—you can’t wait to see how things turn out. On the other hand, to be afraid is to be in a state of tension, but you don’t want to see what happens next—you dread to see how things turn out. Simply put: Suspense is tension that yearns for resolution; fear is tension that dreads resolution. A horror film may have suspense, but if suspense supplants fear entirely, then it is not horror.

Of course, some horror movies don’t really focus much on fear as much as they do on gratuitous violence; this subset of gross horror is large enough that I decided to add the element “revulsion” to my definition. At this point, I was all ready to define horror movies as movies that involve an element of fear and/or revulsion, but then I remembered something; is Eraserhead a horror movie? This is one of the questions that first prompted me to write this essay and while Eraserhead certainly contains elements of fear and revulsion, I argued to myself that Eraserhead isn’t a horror movie because it isn’t just trying to scare you, it’s trying to make a statement on the themes of suicide, sex, and parenthood and that this, somehow, makes it not be a horror movie. But by that rationale, George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead isn’t a horror movie either because it isn’t just trying to scare you; it’s also trying to make a statement on consumer culture. Does a movie’s theme matter in determining if it is horror or not?

No, because the essence of a horror movie isn’t in its theme; it’s in the way it makes you feel—the feeling of horror. I was thinking that the theme of a movie is important in determining whether its horror or not, but if that were true, there would hardly be any horror movies at all because fear and revulsion are rarely ever themes—themes are ideas, meant to be experienced on an intellectual level. Fear and revulsion are usually meant to be experienced viscerally, not intellectually—they’re something you feel, not something you think about. It is the feeling of fear and/or revulsion that dominates the horror movie, and dominates it so thoroughly that it is primary way by which the horror movie achieves entertainment. Therefore, the horror movie is determined by the way in which it entertains (fear/revulsion) in much the same way that a comedy movie is determined by its means of entertainment (laughter/mirth). These genres are defined not by what they’re about, but by what they’re designed to make you feel. Note: not every genre is defined by its means of entertainment, some are indeed defined by thematic content (like the western, but let’s not get into that).

Whew! That was a lot of explaining! But at the end of it all, we have a working definition of what a horror movie is, and here it is again in case you forgot: a horror movie is a movie whose means of entertainment is primarily based on fear and/or revulsion. So is Alien a horror movie? I would say yes; the means entertainment are based on the fear of hidden danger, the fear of being pursued, the fear of isolation—it would be essentially the same even if you replaced the alien with a psycho and outer space with deep woods. Is Eraserhead a horror movie? Most definitely, because even though it has a stronger thematic structure than most horror movies, that’s not what holds our attention while watching; it’s the oppressive ambience, it’s the creepy “lady in the radiator”, it’s the truly revolting “baby”.

Of course, opinions will differ on what exactly is and isn’t scary and/or revolting. For example, I don’t find the movie Leprechaun to be particularly scary or revolting. In cases like these, I believe that intent is important; and while intent can sometimes be a hard thing to establish, if you can convincingly make the argument that the filmmakers intended for a movie to be scary and/or revolting, then you can say that it’s a horror movie. Here’s a more serious problem with my definition: The Passion of the Christ is a horror movie. Yup, that’s right. According to my definition, The Passion is horror. This is because the primary means of entertainment is revulsion—revulsion to the violence being perpetrated on Christ, this is what holds your attention in much of the movie. This revulsion is arguably sublimated, however, by the religious theme, thereby subordinating the violence in service of the message. But according to my definition, the theme is immaterial in determining whether or not a movie is horror. Still, I think most people would not classify The Passion as horror—nor would I really. Yet, if we do say that the theme of The Passion of the Christ makes it not be horror, then we’re back to where we were a few paragraphs ago where Dawn of the Dead is not horror. So what do you think readers? Is my definition good enough? Is The Passion of the Christ really a horror movie? How would you define what makes a horror movie a horror movie?

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Pole Cleaver, High-Heeled Shoe, Claws, Teeth, Bare Hands, Syringe, Hummingbird Sculpture, Severed Arm, Karate Kicks, Scissors, Garden Gnome, Pitchfork, Pliers, Light Bulb, Broken Door, Hedge Clippers, Kitchen Knife, Meat Cleaver, Wash Wringer, Severed Leg, Blender, Frying Pan, Lawnmower, Amulet


Reviewed by Pontifex Aureus

Among gore aficionados, few will deny that Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive (yep, “Lord of the Rings” Peter Jackson) has rightfully earned its place in the pantheon of the goriest movies of all time. Some will even tell you that it’s THE goriest movie of all time. Maybe so, but despite all its corn-syrupy bloodshed, the best thing that Dead Alive has going for it is that it’s just so damned funny.

Set in 1950’s Wellington, New Zealand, Dead Alive follows the story of Lionel Cosgrove, a life-long mama’s boy who finally slips away from Mother when he meets his fate-foretold love interest, Paquita. Things go well for the couple until Mother tries to intervene and finds herself unexpectedly becoming a pus-spewing zombie. Ever loyal to his mom, Lionel is forced to become her caretaker, keeping her hidden, sedated, and locked up. The cat doesn’t stay in the bag long though, and the zombies start piling up, leading to an unforgettable climax that ranks among the bloodiest in all of cinema.

Lionel Tranq  Vera Paquita

There’s a lot to love in Dead Alive. You want memorable characters? How about a karate-fighting priest or a Nazi Taxidermist? What about a Sumatran rat monkey that’s the product of inter-species rape or a blob of living, anthropomorphic intestines that’s actually kind of cute? Speaking of intestines, let’s not forget the gore. So much blood and guts spilled that to this day the house Dead Alive was filmed in still bears a few dried-out blood stains on the ceiling. If haven’t seen a man’s face being pulled off like a mask or a zombie baby hatch out of a human head, then you are missing out my friend. And yes, this is all done in tremendous old-school style; no CGI, just lots of fake blood and rubber puppets. Oh yeah…and there’s also zombie sex (because that’s where zombie-babies come from).

Cute GutsRat Monkey

But the best thing of all about Dead Alive is that it is deliriously, stupidly funny. Example: If you have a zombie baby, what’s the first thing you do? Take him out for a stroll in the park, am I right? And if he starts to act up and you have smack him up a bit…people will understand, right? Or what if you have dinner guests, but –uh,oh– your mom comes down with a little case of explosive zombie zits…what do you do? That’s right, you serve ’em up a mess o’ pudding! And have some pudding yourself; it makes for an excellent movie-time snack.

Baby SelwynPopeye the Zombie

Dead Alive (or Braindead, as it’s known overseas), is a notorious monster of a goreshow; it was banned in Germany, Finland, South Korea, and heavily edited in other countries, and though somewhat ignored in its time, it has since become a holy grail of delightfully puke-inducing splatter and nastiness—the goriest movie ever made. Be advised horror fans; this one’s rich and creamy, just the way you like it.

We here at like to add our own visual flair to everything we do, so instead of boring, old stars to rate our movies, we have come up with the Blood Syringe. It’s basically the same as the 4-star rating system that you’re probably already familiar with, but instead of counting the number of stars, you count the amount of cc’s of blood that the syringe is filled with. For example, if the Blood Syringe is half-full, then that’s 2 cc’s of blood, which is the same as saying 2 stars. A completely full syringe would be 4 cc’s, which is the same as 4 stars (the highest rating). If you don’t feel like counting up the measurement marks on the syringe, don’t worry; the amount of cc’s is already spelled out for you right next to the syringe.

Be on the lookout for our review of Dead Alive, coming very, very soon.

Hi all, after conducting the first kill count tally for Dead Alive, I realized that perhaps the Kill Count statistic is not so simple after all. For example, do I include animal kills as well as human kills? What about off-screen kills or kills that are merely implied? What about zombie kills? Aren’t zombies already dead and therefore can’t be killed? Besides which, a zombie might get chopped up and mutilated several times before “dying”, so…count each instance of mutilation or just the final one?

As such, I have decided to restrict my Kill Count to the following: On-screen human and animal kills. This includes implied kills, provided that they are implied directly (meaning by the one being killed, not a secondhand source) and  presently (meaning as they happen)  by something occurring on-screen. For example, being killed in silhouette (like behind a curtain or shadows on a wall) will be counted because the shadow is being cast directly from the victim and reflects a kill that is presently in progress. Another kill that is acceptable is an over the phone kill indicated by a scream, since the scream originates directly from the victim and again reflects a kill presently in progress.

Examples of kills that are not counted: a roomful of people in one scene and in the next scene, the room is full of gore (the kills occurred off-screen and nothing on-screen implied them as they were happening, just before and after shots). Admittedly, this will probably lead to some unpopular judgment calls; for instance, the dog that gets killed in John Carpenter’s The Thing would be counted, but the head in a box from Seven would not be counted.

Another example of a kill that is not counted: Someone saying that so-and-so character “didn’t make it” (this kill happened off-screen and is not implied by the victim directly, but by a report from a secondhand source). The only exception to the “no secondhand sources” rule is if the kill is reported by a character visually in a flashback; these kills will be counted, interestingly enough, even if it turns out that the character was lying and the alleged victim is still alive–I am measuring kills depicted, not kills that actually occur within the continuity of the story.

Also, I am only measuring direct kills; if someone gets shot and then dies from their injury later, that will not be counted as a kill. In the event that a character sustains an injury but their actual death is not shown, this will be counted as a kill if the injury is likely to result in imminent death. For example, if a character’s heart is ripped out, it will be counted even if the actual moment of death is not shown. On the other hand, someone actively being drowned will not be counted if the death is not shown, because the condition of drowning can be stopped and survived, whereas a ripped-out heart can not be undone. This holds even if it is confirmed in the story that the drowning character has died. Zombie “kills” are not included due to the difficulties stated above.

Ok, just thought I’d clear that up in case someone does a count of their own and gets a different number; I didn’t miscount, I just counted selectively according to my own criteria. And remember: statistics are not immune to interpretation and subjectivity, so let’s not view them as ultimate truth, but as useful mathematical summaries that provide us with easily digestible data.

Introducing Thought-Bombs

Posted: July 16, 2014 in News
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Sometime after we post our review of Dead Alive (coming soon) we intended to release our first Thought-Bomb. A Thought-Bomb is a full-length article (meaning longer than a normal post), that takes on a philosophical question having to do with the horror genre in general. It is our hope that these articles will inspire others to dig below the surface of our beloved horror genre and deep into its moist entrails, where the profoundest understanding lies. We would like to generate discussion as well as participate in debate, since we value dissenting opinions as well.

Our first Thought-Bomb will attempt to answer the question: What is a horror movie?

Greetings horror fiends, within the next few days, we here at will be posting our first movie review: Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive!! Our review will include a feature called SplatStats. The SplatStats track three kinds of horror movie statistics: Kill Count, Gore Quotient, and Weapon Inventory. The Kill Count is simply a tally of the total amount of kills in a movie and the Weapon Inventory is a list of all weapons used. The Gore Quotient is bit more complicated.

Basically, the Gore Quotient is a mathematical measure that tells you how bloody a movie is. This is accomplished through an in-depth procedure that allows us to determine the area (in square inches) of all the frames in a film. With this information, we are then able to determine what proportion of this screen area contains blood/gore. For example, the movie Dead Alive has a Gore Quotient of 1,927; that means that for every 10,000 square inches of measured screen area, 1,927 of those square inches were occupied by blood.

Dead Alive is well-known for being one of the goriest movies of all time, so it was specifically chosen to be the high benchmark against which all other movies compare. So if a movie gets a Gore Quotient of 964, you’ll know that it’s approximately half as bloody as Dead Alive. And that’s not opinion, that’s measurable fact.

Watch out for our review of Dead Alive, coming soon.

Horror Movie Goodness: Expect It!

Posted: July 8, 2014 in News
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Hello, casual internet explorers, Pontifex Aureus here, alone for now, but expect that to change in the future as new commentators join our ranks here at, or as we’re currently known as, Expect that to change too (as soon as we get that $$). Expect to see movie reviews, videos, pictures, and all manner of horror movie goodness…eventually.

In the future, we’ll be posting every Friday, but in the next few weeks, you can expect to see me posting much more frequently as I attempt to flesh out this site a little. Within the next few days, me and my Crayolas will be done designing the official site logo, so expect to see that as well. I will also post our first movie review (no later than next week, I expect) which will include our soon-to-be trademark SplatStats; a feature for which I have great expectations. More on that later. Expect it.

Greetings internet wanderer, come inside, take off your shoes. Unfortunately, I have no accommodations for you yet, as this site is under construction. In the future, I will have movie reviews and blog posts to enthrall you with, but for now let us both sit back in imaginary rocking chairs and try to name as many different kinds of wood as we can. I’ll go first: teak, pine, mahogany, elm, balsa, cherry, spruce, ebony, oak, cedar, ash, beech, hickory, birch, walnut, poplar, mesquite…