Posts Tagged ‘movies’

Movie Review: Ravenous

Posted: September 16, 2014 in Reviews
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Bare Hands, Knife, Tomahawk, Black Powder Revolver, Musket, Mallet, Cavalry Saber, Log, Pitchfork,

Head-Butts, Meat Cleaver, Bear Trap


Reviewed by: Pontifex Aureus

Every now and then a weird little oddball movie will pop up and truly surprise me. Ravenous, at first glance, looks like your run-of-the-mill cannibal in the woods movie, but not so; instead the movie takes a slight supernatural turn as the cannibals literally gain strength and heal wounds from eating human flesh, making this feel almost like a vampire movie. And while a dark, gritty tone would have been perfectly acceptable, the movie surprises me again by taking a bit of a humorous bent; not all-out comedy, but certainly tongue-in-cheek.

During the Mexican-American War, Captain Boyd is punished for cowardice by being transferred to the worst post possible, Fort Spencer, an isolated little shack out in the western Sierra Nevada Mountains. Just as Boyd is getting adjusted to his new surroundings, a shaggy-haired man comes stumbling out of the woods with an incredible story of survival and cannibalism that leads Boyd and his fellow soldiers to mount a dangerous rescue mission into the woods.

Bad Ass Boyd  Ives on the Hunt

Like I’ve said, this is no ordinary cannibal movie; these cannibals can get stabbed, shot, and skewered and still come after you just as long as they can get their hands on some fresh meat. In fact, these cannibals are actually Wendigo. As an American Indian recounts in the movie, when a man eats the flesh of another man, he steals his spirit and gains his strength, becoming a Wendigo. However, the effects don’t last and the eating becomes like a drug habit; the Wendigo is forced to keep feeding, becoming hungrier the more he eats.

Yum Yum Crazy Face Deadman

It’s a very fresh premise and I absolutely loved the hero, Captain Boyd, who is so atypically unheroic. He is in fact a coward and proves it more than once in the movie; he also happens to be a cannibal (don’t worry, I’m not giving anything away, as this fact is revealed early on). Yet despite all that, he eventually finds the strength to stand against his enemy (and his own cravings) and ends up being rather likable. The villain is no less remarkable as he transforms from a raving lunatic to an implacably cool and manipulative devil-in-disguise. You’ve got to love a villain so megalomaniacal that he compares his hunger to manifest destiny. The interplay between Boyd and the villain keeps the movie moving along briskly in between massacres.

RUN Knox Stew

Speaking of massacres, there’s a good helping of blood to be had here, but nothing wildly over-the-top. There’s a few spilled guts here and a little flesh-eating there. The best parts are really the implied cannibalism; any movie that can make eating stew seem gruesome is doing something right. And I have to mention the outrageous soundtrack. The music was probably the first cue I had that this was going to be something special. It’s an off-kilter hodgepodge of wheezy concertina, demented banjo picking, and sprightly fiddle—a hillbilly nightmare of a soundtrack that ranges from manically cheerful to rabidly ferocious.

A truly original and entertaining movie all around but the real meat of the film is the battle of wits between Boyd and the villain, since the other characters (aside from the delightful Jeffery Jones as Colonel Hart) are mostly disposable kill fodder. If you’ve got a meat-tooth for cannibal mayhem, Ravenous serves it up extra-rare.

We really love Halloween. In fact, it feels like for all of October we’re just preparing for Halloween—planning parties, designing costumes; every day before the 31st is just build-up to Halloween. So it seems a shame that we only celebrate on the 31st when the whole month is so powerfully marked by the spirit of the macabre. That’s why, in the spirit of prolonging the spooky festivities, we here at are introducing a series of new October Holidays.

First on the list is “October 4th”, celebrating Horror Independence! Yes, it’s a holiday held in honor of those intrepid indie horror filmmakers out there who are doing it all on their own, free from the tyranny of Big Studios. So be sure to observe this special day by participating in some October 4th traditions! First of all, since we’re celebrating independent horror filmmakers, watch some independent horror movies! Go out of your way to find something obscure and new. Secondly, if you know any indie horror filmmakers, give them a buck. Or go to their websites and give them a buck–it doesn’t have to be much, just enough to show you care. Thirdly, indulge in the traditional October 4th savory dish (that I just made up): the Shamble Pie.


Shamble Pie Recipe:


  • Box of Filo (Phyllo) Dough
  • Pack of Baby Spinach
  • 2 Red Onions, sliced into thin rings
  • Gruyere Cheese
  • Thin-Sliced Lean Roast Beef
  • Olive Oil
  • Rosemary
  • Salt

Lightly oil a casserole dish and lay down a sheet of Filo Dough. Next, put down a layer of grated Gruyere Cheese. Layer some  Baby Spinach over the cheese, lightly drizzling the spinach with Olive Oil. Then put down a layer of Roast Beef, folding it up in ripples rather than laying it flat. Sprinkle the Roast Beef with some Rosemary. Next, put down a layer of Red Onions. Top that with another layer of grated Gruyere Cheese and then put another sheet of Filo on top of that. Repeat this process twice more, adding salt to each layer according to taste. Heat up the oven to 200 degrees and let bake for 18-20 minutes.

Finally, as a last step, disregard the previous instructions and make your own damn Shamble Pie! We’re celebrating indie filmmaking here; it is not a straightforward process, you make your own rules as you go along. So throw whatever you want in there—make it weird. If you’re following a recipe, you’re doing it wrong.


And finally, don’t miss out on the best October 4th tradition of all: Splatterworks! Splatterworks are basically fireworks, but with a bloody twist: they’re fireworks wrapped in blood packets! To make a simple splatterwork, just fill a condom with fake blood and wrap it around a Black Cat (make sure the fuse sticks out enough so that the flame won’t touch the condom or it could prematurely burst). That’s just one idea; be as creative as you like (while being safe and obeying your local laws).

So there you have it my fellow horror addicts, a brand-new October holiday complete with traditions and all. Will you let October 4th pass unnoticed or are you ready to let the fake blood fly?

Event Coverage: San Antonio Horrific Film Fest 7

by Pontifex Aureus

I’d like to begin with an apology. I am not a writer, let alone a journalist; this instrument is new to me and if from time to time I hit a discordant note or lose my rhythm, I’m sorry. If this apology sounds like a case of “please don’t yell at me, I’m new”, well…maybe it is a little. But mostly, I just wish to make it clear that I don’t imagine that I’m a journalist just because I say so. I intend to earn that distinction, readers.

In the meantime, bear with me as we embark on a journey through San Antonio’s Horrific Film Fest 7. I have tried to recreate, in semi-stream-of-consciousness style, the experience of actually attending the film festival for those of you who missed it or have never been at all. I hope you can get some idea of what it’s all about from this firsthand, first-person perspective. So here we go; this is your very own virtual tour—a little slice of life from Day 2 of the festival, August 29th, 2014, presented by your humble narrator, Pontifex Aureus.

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The Westlakes Alamo Drafthouse: an import from Austin that found its way to San Antonio and breathed new life into the husk of the old Westlakes Movie Theater, now a holy ground for movie-lovers—especially today. Today we have here the seventh annual San Antonio Horrific Film Fest, the brainchild of horror filmmaker George Ortiz, director of House of the Demon and the upcoming Applewhite Bridge—a film based on San Antonio’s own local legend, the Donkey Lady.

IMG_1989 George Ortiz

I enter the Drafthouse and walk down the theater hallway. I slip on my Friday the 13th Jason mask; dressing up in costume is not only allowed, but encouraged by way of an admission discount. Up ahead I see the first of the merch tables; the dull orange glow of the interior lighting gives them an appropriately dusky look—a horror bazaar by candlelight, almost romantic.

To my right I see, sitting at a table, Alfredo Lopez Jr., an accomplished artist surrounded by a gallery of prints. Drawing inspiration from horror, sci-fi, comics, and pop culture he freely combines elements from all four to create unique and often humorous illustrations. He’s done work for Marvel, Image—he even created the poster for this very film fest. My favorite: iconic pop-rock star Morrissey, drawn as a child, playing with a bunny. Adorable.

IMG_1984 Alfredo Lopez, Jr.

To my left, Ju Gomez, from Virus Comix has his own artwork on display. Virus Comix offers independent comic book creators to have their stories published and seen within their regular series of collected works, Viral. Specializing in gory horror fantasy, Virus Comix offers up the blood and guts in hearty helpings, all within a deep mythology of demonic creatures and epic battles. Other titles include Bloke’s Tomb of Horror and Son of 6.

IMG_1983 Ju Gomez

Moving further down the hall, I come upon Pigstagg Records & Videos. If the video-store of old is truly dead, then here at least is its vengeful ghost…a lean, mobile operation specializing in the odd, the collectible, the hard to find. Laid out before me like a weird buffet are the “cultest” of cult classics—Castle Freak, Mandroid, American Gothic; the schlock is so thick you could make a gravy out of it. They’re on tour now, working the convention circuit, but when they’re not, you can find them at their stand in Alamo Market Shopping Center on Hwy 90.

IMG_1981 Luis and the Marvelous Movie Table

Right next to Pigstagg is horror author, Scott A. Johnson, who has with him the collected ghost stories and urban legends of both San Antonio and Austin in his two books, Ghosts of San Antonio and Haunted Austin, Texas as well as a collection of short stories entitled Droplets. A true-believer in the paranormal, Scott did a series of pieces for, called Cold Spots, exploring haunted locations all across the country.

IMG_1986 Scott A. Johnson

Further down I see none other than Amelia Kinkade, well-known to horror connoisseurs as Angela, from the Night of the Demons series of films. The ever-gracious Amelia was kind enough to reenact her famous dance scene for last night’s triple-feature of all of the Night of the Demons movies. Now devoted to her work as an animal psychic, she travels the world using her abilities to help bridge the emotional gap between humans and animals. Merging her horror-film past with her current role as animal benefactor, she has created her own charity called No Horror for Animals.

IMG_1987 Amelia Kinkade

I turn to my right and see there horror author Tim Miller. If you’re a fan of horror fiction but you feel like most books simply can’t shock you anymore, then perhaps Tim Miller’s extremely gory, ultra-graphic books might give you the jolt you’re looking for. Tim’s book Hell, Texas was considered so objectionable by Apple that it was banned from the iBooks store (yet ironically, Apple appears to be just fine with the Marquis de Sade’s 120 Days of Sodom, which remains for sale). Luckily, Hell, Texas and all of Tim’s other books are still available on Amazon.

IMG_1979 Tim Miller

Right across from Tim is Eugene Clark, who played the “big daddy” zombie in George A. Romero’s Land of the Dead. Eugene began his career as a star football player for UCLA before going on to join Canadian football team, the Argonauts. I am told that Eugene himself will be on hand to lead the Saturday zombie-walk being held in the ample parking lot of the Drafthouse. Regrettably, I was unable to attend the zombie-walk so I can report no further on it.

I move past the last of the guest tables and enter the theater. Inside I find San Antonio’s dedicated horror fan base waiting for the next movie to begin. George Ortiz is there, in fact, he was everywhere, since George personally oversees the operation of his film festival. The next film, In the Shadows, is about to begin as I take my seat.


In the Shadows:

The film begins with a man driving. He talks on the phone to his friend; they’re meeting up tonight to play darts. Suddenly, the driver sees a masked man in the road and narrowly avoids hitting him. As the film progresses, the masked man and other masked individuals sporadically emerge from the shadows to torment and harass our protagonists.

The film is not bad considering that it was made by very few people and for very little money. I’d say its greatest weakness is its derivative home invasion premise. Even the masks looked a little like 2008’s The Strangers. Still, a great example to aspiring filmmakers; you don’t need much to make a film, just gather some friends and get to it.


As the movie ends, George comes up to the front of the theater, bringing with him the creators of In the Shadows. Like many independent filmmakers, George has been to his fair share of film festivals, but found that it was quite difficult for the filmmakers to get any real attention. So for his film festival, George gives every single filmmaker a chance to come up for a few minutes and talk to the audience. He believes that the filmmakers’ interaction with the audience (some of whom are fellow filmmakers) provides them with valuable criticism and direct insight into how their films affect the viewers. After the makers of In the Shadows answer a few questions from the audience, the lights go dim again and the next film, Caught in My Eye, begins to play.


Caught in My Eye:

As the movie begins, we see a shabby man leading a solitary existence; he becomes aggressive with a prostitute. The narrative shifts to a young female model and we see the man beginning to stalk her in increasingly disturbing scenarios, including a particularly nasty scene of the man masturbating outside her window. Ultimately, the man breaks into her home and faces the model in a final confrontation.

The first thing that I notice immediately about the film is the exquisite camera work. The lighting, the framing, color, focus—all impeccable. The story itself is ok, but there is no real suspense or thrills; we are simply watching a stalking occur in a fairly straightforward fashion, moving from one creepy set piece to the next, so that the film feels more like a series of vignettes rather than a cohesive whole. The final confrontation offered no surprises either and the film ends with a rather campy “You could be next!” line. I know it seems like I’m being unduly critical, but only really well-made films like this can capture my attention so fully. It is so beautifully crafted and has so much scare potential that I can’t help but wish that the story was a little better.


The film ends and George walks up to the front once again, this time with William Instone, the director of Caught in My Eye. William takes a few questions from the audience and discusses the challenges of creating the film and of filmmaking in general. As it turns out, William goes on to win the prize for Best Director this year—a distinction well-earned for his masterful camerawork and visual style.

At this point, I take my leave and our virtual tour of Day 2 of the Horrific Film Fest comes to an end. If you live in San Antonio and love horror movies, make horror movies, or dream of making horror movies, then this should be your Mecca. I was really astonished by the rather low audience turnout as I know from my own experience that San Antonio has a varied and lively horror fan-base. And it really is a shame that out of the 23 independent movies shown, only 2 were made by local San Antonio filmmakers. If you are a San Antonio filmmaker interested in the horror genre, then you could not ask for a better local venue; at the Horrific Film Fest, you will be seen, you will be heard, and you may even walk away with a beautiful custom-made trophy—a bronze chainsaw that is an exactingly detailed replica of the one used in the 1974 film, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And to all of you San Antonio horror fans: get out there and show your support! Unlike some other film festivals that are ridiculously over-priced, you can attend the entire 4-day Horrific Film Fest for 10 dollars per day, or 7 dollars per day if you’re rocking a sweet costume. Overall though, the film festival was an outstanding success and is getting bigger and more elaborate all the time. Next year’s Horrific Film Fest 8 promises to be even bigger and better than ever.


2014 Horrific Film Fest Winners:

Best Director: William Instone

Best Feature: Army of Frankensteins

Best Actor: Gerald Grum

Best Short: Night of the Sea Monkey

Johnson Family Writer’s Award: James Christopher

Best SFX: Scars

Audience Choice Award: Make It Stop

Best Sci-Fi: Army of Frankensteins

Best Producer Screenplay: Velvet Vengeance

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Afro pick, magic, semi-auto pistols, bare hands, microphone stand, fire, claws, fork, four-leaf clover joint, chair


Reviewed by: Pontifex Aureus

Ok…I will admit that I went into this review looking for an easy target to pick on; what better than something ridiculous like Leprechaun in the Hood, right? Well, surprise—it wasn’t actually all that bad! I take that back, it is bad…but I could sit through it once. The Leprechaun series was never one to take itself very seriously, but Leprechaun in the Hood takes it to new levels of stupid and almost ends up being decent if only it didn’t skimp on the gore and run out of comedic gas early on.

There isn’t much in the way of plot, but basically, a trio of young rappers rob a local gangster and steal his magic flute that has the power to make everyone like your music, no matter how terrible it is. As it turns out, the gangster himself stole it from the Leprechaun, who gets awakened during the robbery and sets out to get his flute back, discovering the joys of weed and rap along the way.

LepintheHood Cast  Leprechaun Joint

The movie starts off surprisingly well; inside the first ten minutes, we get to see a man stabbed to death with an afro pick and Ice-T pulling a baseball bat out of his afro Looney Tunes-style. After this, a few amusing scenes with the rap trio trying to pawn a guitar left me with high hopes that Leprechaun in the Hood might actually turn out to be pretty good. Unfortunately, the laughs die out quickly around the 20 minute mark and the movie becomes unbearably dumb. Where we started off well with silly but effective slapstick, we end up with lame rhymes and cross-dressing rappers by movies-end. Also, the horror and comedy aren’t particularly well blended; rather than both elements being in harmony, they seem to diminish each other, with horror and comedy taking turns at being dominant.

Afro Ice-T Afro Picked

Ok, so the story’s bad and it’s not all that funny, but does it deliver the gore? Sadly no, it does not. For a horror movie, Leprechaun in the Hood is pretty stingy with the special effects. Many of the kills aren’t even shown at all, but are either implied or happen off-camera. Other kills are simply lame, like death by green CGI lightning or the Leprechaun’s favorite attack of pointing at someone and magically blowing a hole through them. Honestly, he might as well just be going around shooting people with a gun…hell—that actually sounds like a funny premise (Leprechaun with a Shotgun)!

Post in Drag Leprechaun Kills

But worst of all, after the initial strong beginning, the movie becomes boring and not very well made. In fact the direction is so poor that some scenes don’t really make sense at all. In one scene, a man is making out with a woman who starts to morph into a monster, therefore implying that she’s the Leprechaun in disguise, right? But no, because as the monster woman makes the kill, the camera cuts to the Leprechaun laughing inside of…somewhere, some kind of void. It’s not clear where he is or if he’s watching what’s happening. Later on however, the Leprechaun gets trapped inside a safe and there we see him inside that void we saw earlier. So in that earlier scene with the monster woman, they actually cut to the Leprechaun inside a safe that he wasn’t even in yet.

Leprechaun in the Hood, to the surprise of no one, is a bad movie and its over-all boringness and unimaginativeness makes it fall short of attaining even so-bad-it’s-good status. However, it really does start off well, it’s not the worst Leprechaun movie I’ve seen (cough, Leprechaun 4, cough), and I give the film credit for its wacky premise. The idea of an evil Leprechaun running around Compton is so juicy that you really wish that they’d done more with the idea. If you decide to watch the movie, do yourself a favor and watch the first 20 minutes, stop the DVD and then imagine a better movie in your mind. Oh…and in case you were wondering, yes, the Leprechaun raps and yes, it is every bit as painful as you’d think.

Introducing Movie Executions!

Posted: September 1, 2014 in News
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Rejoice, horror heathens, a new feature is nigh upon you! Our very first video feature: Movie Executions! We here at have seen many movies and some of those movies were so bad that they deserve to die. I will not yet reveal to you the name of the first movie that will taste our street-justice, but basically, we will read off a list of charges against the movie and then provide you with video evidence that will prove the vileness of this movie’s crimes. After a guilty verdict is reached (heh, heh…sham trials are fun) the offending movie shall be executed right before your very eyes in a way most befitting the nature of its crimes.

So look for it soon!

We here at have a new, exciting feature that we are adding to the SplatStats: the Kill Graph! The Kill Graph will be taking the place of the Kill Count number, although the Kill Count is still going to be tabulated as before, it is now brought to you in graph form.

With the new graph form, not only will you get the total Kill Count, you also see exactly where in the movie the kills occur, how much time passes in between kills, the rate at which the kill frequency increases, and the total movie running time. The horizontal arm of the graph (x-axis) represents the running time of the movie in minutes and the vertical arm of the graph (y-axis) represents the cumulative amount of kills (meaning the running tally of kills). To determine what the total Kill Count is, simply look at the last point on the graph and follow the line back to the number on the y-axis. For example, if the last point is on line 12 of the y-axis, then that means that there were a total of 12 kills throughout the movie.

This feature will be included in our upcoming review of Leprechaun in the Hood (coming soon) and will be added to our existing review of Dead Alive.

Up and Running

Posted: August 30, 2014 in News
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Ok horror addicts, we are officially up and running under our proper name:! We will be doing a lot of posting over the next few days to flesh out the site. We will soon be unveiling a new video feature as well: Movie Executions. Because some movies are so bad, that they deserve to die. More on that later.

Thought-Bomb #1: What is a Horror Movie? 

by: Pontifex Aureus

I remember, back in VHS times, cruising through the horror sections of local video stores in search of something tasty. Every now and then I’d see the movie Alien there, amongst all the horror movies and it would give me pause; Alien isn’t a horror movie…it’s in space, in the future, there’s an alien—all this screamed sci-fi to me. And indeed, in most video stores, Alien was in fact stocked in the sci-fi section.

I didn’t think much about it then, but this conundrum popped up again recently as I was trying to categorize my personal movie collection. I kept asking myself, “Is this a horror movie?” Is Jaws a horror movie? Is Eraserhead a horror movie? But I couldn’t really answer these questions without first asking myself “What IS a horror movie?” After thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that a horror movie is a movie whose means of entertainment is primarily based on fear and/or revulsion.

Before I explain how I came to this conclusion, it is important to specify what exactly I mean by “entertainment”. The word “entertainment” is often used as a synonym for “enjoyment”, but that isn’t quite accurate, since enjoyment necessarily entails pleasure and entertainment is not always pleasurable. For example, think of a really sad, but good, movie that you’ve seen; you probably didn’t walk out of that theater smiling, in fact, you probably felt pretty bad. You could hardly say that such a movie is pleasurable, yet it is undeniably entertaining. So basically, when I say entertainment, I simply mean “that which entertains”, meaning something that engages your attention over a certain amount of time. By this meaning, entertainment need not necessarily be pleasant as long as it engages your attention enough such that you are occupied for a set amount of time. If I’ve strayed off topic a little too long here, it’s only because it is important for me to establish just how necessary entertainment is to movies. Above all, a movie entertains.

So, I’ve said that a horror movie is a movie whose means of entertainment is primarily based on fear and/or revulsion. I reached this conclusion by asking myself, “What element, if removed from a horror movie, would make it not be a horror movie anymore?” In other words, what is the most elementary characteristic of a horror movie? I think we can assume without risk of controversy that fear is an important element, so we’ll take that as our starting point.

Here I must say this: fear and suspense are not the same; this is why a thriller is not a horror movie. To be in suspense is to be in a state of tension where you want to know what happens next—you can’t wait to see how things turn out. On the other hand, to be afraid is to be in a state of tension, but you don’t want to see what happens next—you dread to see how things turn out. Simply put: Suspense is tension that yearns for resolution; fear is tension that dreads resolution. A horror film may have suspense, but if suspense supplants fear entirely, then it is not horror.

Of course, some horror movies don’t really focus much on fear as much as they do on gratuitous violence; this subset of gross horror is large enough that I decided to add the element “revulsion” to my definition. At this point, I was all ready to define horror movies as movies that involve an element of fear and/or revulsion, but then I remembered something; is Eraserhead a horror movie? This is one of the questions that first prompted me to write this essay and while Eraserhead certainly contains elements of fear and revulsion, I argued to myself that Eraserhead isn’t a horror movie because it isn’t just trying to scare you, it’s trying to make a statement on the themes of suicide, sex, and parenthood and that this, somehow, makes it not be a horror movie. But by that rationale, George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead isn’t a horror movie either because it isn’t just trying to scare you; it’s also trying to make a statement on consumer culture. Does a movie’s theme matter in determining if it is horror or not?

No, because the essence of a horror movie isn’t in its theme; it’s in the way it makes you feel—the feeling of horror. I was thinking that the theme of a movie is important in determining whether its horror or not, but if that were true, there would hardly be any horror movies at all because fear and revulsion are rarely ever themes—themes are ideas, meant to be experienced on an intellectual level. Fear and revulsion are usually meant to be experienced viscerally, not intellectually—they’re something you feel, not something you think about. It is the feeling of fear and/or revulsion that dominates the horror movie, and dominates it so thoroughly that it is primary way by which the horror movie achieves entertainment. Therefore, the horror movie is determined by the way in which it entertains (fear/revulsion) in much the same way that a comedy movie is determined by its means of entertainment (laughter/mirth). These genres are defined not by what they’re about, but by what they’re designed to make you feel. Note: not every genre is defined by its means of entertainment, some are indeed defined by thematic content (like the western, but let’s not get into that).

Whew! That was a lot of explaining! But at the end of it all, we have a working definition of what a horror movie is, and here it is again in case you forgot: a horror movie is a movie whose means of entertainment is primarily based on fear and/or revulsion. So is Alien a horror movie? I would say yes; the means entertainment are based on the fear of hidden danger, the fear of being pursued, the fear of isolation—it would be essentially the same even if you replaced the alien with a psycho and outer space with deep woods. Is Eraserhead a horror movie? Most definitely, because even though it has a stronger thematic structure than most horror movies, that’s not what holds our attention while watching; it’s the oppressive ambience, it’s the creepy “lady in the radiator”, it’s the truly revolting “baby”.

Of course, opinions will differ on what exactly is and isn’t scary and/or revolting. For example, I don’t find the movie Leprechaun to be particularly scary or revolting. In cases like these, I believe that intent is important; and while intent can sometimes be a hard thing to establish, if you can convincingly make the argument that the filmmakers intended for a movie to be scary and/or revolting, then you can say that it’s a horror movie. Here’s a more serious problem with my definition: The Passion of the Christ is a horror movie. Yup, that’s right. According to my definition, The Passion is horror. This is because the primary means of entertainment is revulsion—revulsion to the violence being perpetrated on Christ, this is what holds your attention in much of the movie. This revulsion is arguably sublimated, however, by the religious theme, thereby subordinating the violence in service of the message. But according to my definition, the theme is immaterial in determining whether or not a movie is horror. Still, I think most people would not classify The Passion as horror—nor would I really. Yet, if we do say that the theme of The Passion of the Christ makes it not be horror, then we’re back to where we were a few paragraphs ago where Dawn of the Dead is not horror. So what do you think readers? Is my definition good enough? Is The Passion of the Christ really a horror movie? How would you define what makes a horror movie a horror movie?

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Pole Cleaver, High-Heeled Shoe, Claws, Teeth, Bare Hands, Syringe, Hummingbird Sculpture, Severed Arm, Karate Kicks, Scissors, Garden Gnome, Pitchfork, Pliers, Light Bulb, Broken Door, Hedge Clippers, Kitchen Knife, Meat Cleaver, Wash Wringer, Severed Leg, Blender, Frying Pan, Lawnmower, Amulet


Reviewed by Pontifex Aureus

Among gore aficionados, few will deny that Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive (yep, “Lord of the Rings” Peter Jackson) has rightfully earned its place in the pantheon of the goriest movies of all time. Some will even tell you that it’s THE goriest movie of all time. Maybe so, but despite all its corn-syrupy bloodshed, the best thing that Dead Alive has going for it is that it’s just so damned funny.

Set in 1950’s Wellington, New Zealand, Dead Alive follows the story of Lionel Cosgrove, a life-long mama’s boy who finally slips away from Mother when he meets his fate-foretold love interest, Paquita. Things go well for the couple until Mother tries to intervene and finds herself unexpectedly becoming a pus-spewing zombie. Ever loyal to his mom, Lionel is forced to become her caretaker, keeping her hidden, sedated, and locked up. The cat doesn’t stay in the bag long though, and the zombies start piling up, leading to an unforgettable climax that ranks among the bloodiest in all of cinema.

Lionel Tranq  Vera Paquita

There’s a lot to love in Dead Alive. You want memorable characters? How about a karate-fighting priest or a Nazi Taxidermist? What about a Sumatran rat monkey that’s the product of inter-species rape or a blob of living, anthropomorphic intestines that’s actually kind of cute? Speaking of intestines, let’s not forget the gore. So much blood and guts spilled that to this day the house Dead Alive was filmed in still bears a few dried-out blood stains on the ceiling. If haven’t seen a man’s face being pulled off like a mask or a zombie baby hatch out of a human head, then you are missing out my friend. And yes, this is all done in tremendous old-school style; no CGI, just lots of fake blood and rubber puppets. Oh yeah…and there’s also zombie sex (because that’s where zombie-babies come from).

Cute GutsRat Monkey

But the best thing of all about Dead Alive is that it is deliriously, stupidly funny. Example: If you have a zombie baby, what’s the first thing you do? Take him out for a stroll in the park, am I right? And if he starts to act up and you have smack him up a bit…people will understand, right? Or what if you have dinner guests, but –uh,oh– your mom comes down with a little case of explosive zombie zits…what do you do? That’s right, you serve ’em up a mess o’ pudding! And have some pudding yourself; it makes for an excellent movie-time snack.

Baby SelwynPopeye the Zombie

Dead Alive (or Braindead, as it’s known overseas), is a notorious monster of a goreshow; it was banned in Germany, Finland, South Korea, and heavily edited in other countries, and though somewhat ignored in its time, it has since become a holy grail of delightfully puke-inducing splatter and nastiness—the goriest movie ever made. Be advised horror fans; this one’s rich and creamy, just the way you like it.

We here at like to add our own visual flair to everything we do, so instead of boring, old stars to rate our movies, we have come up with the Blood Syringe. It’s basically the same as the 4-star rating system that you’re probably already familiar with, but instead of counting the number of stars, you count the amount of cc’s of blood that the syringe is filled with. For example, if the Blood Syringe is half-full, then that’s 2 cc’s of blood, which is the same as saying 2 stars. A completely full syringe would be 4 cc’s, which is the same as 4 stars (the highest rating). If you don’t feel like counting up the measurement marks on the syringe, don’t worry; the amount of cc’s is already spelled out for you right next to the syringe.

Be on the lookout for our review of Dead Alive, coming very, very soon.